


Why don't I say it then? (I want you all the time)

by Princex_N



Series: the gentleness that comes not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it [3]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Autistic Hawkeye, Fluff, Multi, Mutual Pining, Polyamory, Pre-Slash, tfw you picture it soft and you ache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: All at once, Hawkeye, BJ, and Peggy thinkGod, I love them.Too bad none of them are saying anything yet.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Series: the gentleness that comes not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601140
Comments: 2
Kudos: 102





	Why don't I say it then? (I want you all the time)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from [Glass Animal's song "Pork Soda"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78DVtcsT26k)

_Fuck, but I love them_ , Hawkeye thinks, and can't seem to decide if it's strange that the thought doesn't hurt him. 

He's known basically from the start about BJ, one Rudyard Kipling joke and the flashes of someone kind and sweet even through the chaos of Korea, and Hawkeye had been sold. BJ was everything Hawkeye needed in the wake of losing Trapper, and proved himself to be even more than that as the time went on. 

There really is no way to describe the relief of finally having BJ back at his side again. In knowing that he's there within arm's reach, with the sound of his laughter never far away, and a new reassurance that the soft smile on his face will still be there whenever Hawkeye turns to face him. 

(Part of him had worried that it wouldn't be. Was terrified that he had fucked up in some unspoken and subtle way and lost the privilege to all that sweetness. That the grief and stress and anger that stained Hawkeye so thoroughly had finally rubbed off on BJ and marred the softness there. Or maybe just that, away from the separation and distance of Korea, BJ wouldn't be willing to entertain the same thoughts he'd used to.)

(Hawkeye shouldn't have worried - here, with Erin and Peggy, it's more evident than ever. The tension and desperation that clung to BJ's spine is gone along with the threat of being caught, and sometimes Hawkeye catches sight of BJ's expression and thinks that he might just melt under the intensity there.) 

It's good, to see and hear and talk to him again. To relearn how to talk himself, without the shadow of loss hanging over him. Most of them are still gone, still separated by distance and life, but BJ is there, and that means that Hawkeye can handle the rest. Can chat and joke and ramble without the nagging fear of ruining something new (because Hawkeye loves his dad, but always dreaded the idea of proving to him that things were different, broken in ways they hadn't been before. Hawkeye left home whole, albeit a big ragged, but came back torn and filled with empty voids half-patched together with tape and anger. He hadn't seen how bad it could get and Hawkeye never wanted him to see, but BJ had seen it all and worse, and Hawkeye doesn't have to worry about showing all his cards when BJ is the one he's been playing with. Them against the world. Them against the grief.) 

It still feels strange that no one is expecting things from him. Over there, it felt like sometimes if Hawkeye wasn't there then the others would fall apart. They were all propping each other up most days, but Hawkeye was a cornerstone with his never-ending jokes and pranks and ability to grin in the face of horror - his bared teeth a threat and a challenge all at once, up until he couldn't follow through anymore. 

It's not like that, here. They don't need him, not to hold them up nor to fill the empty spaces where the dark might creep through. They don't need him, they _want_ him. It's almost novel.

But 'novel' is a word better suited for the quiet. When Hawkeye isn't the center of attention, the moments where BJ will lie on the floor next to his daughter and watch with awe and adoration as she lines up blocks on the carpet. When BJ and Peg meet each other's eyes and seem to forget that the rest of the world exists entirely. When Erin shrieks in delight when BJ tosses her into the air and catches her without fail, or when Peggy giggles as BJ wraps his arms around her from behind and tucks his face into her neck. 

It makes Hawkeye softer, to know that seeing Peg with BJ doesn't fill him with hurt or jealousy, but with fondness. To realize that looking at Erin doesn't flood him with guilt and dread, but adoration. 

It's good to know that Korea didn't cull all of the love and softness that he had. 

Hawkeye has known almost from the start about BJ; Peggy and Erin are new. 

He and Erin get along in a strange sort of way; he's not entirely comfortable with one on one time, but they wander around each other like curious little ghouls. Sometimes she'll flap her hands and he'll flap his back - a covert little signal she's never realized could be a learned secret (and isn't that so marvelous and terrifying? Hawkeye's dad had been doing the best he could when he had taught 'only here and never out there', but how incredible of Peggy Hunnicutt to have only ever seen the option of teaching others to be more accepting - or learning to keep their mouths shut?)

And Peg? She's got a brilliant sense of humor and a kind streak even wider than BJ's, and the two of them fit together so perfectly that it makes Hawkeye smile just to be in the same room as them. She and Hawkeye get along too, even if Hawkeye still winds up feeling uncomfortable around her on occasion (because how could he not, when he's got a crush on her husband big enough to be seen from space? When he's pretty sure he's falling just as hard for her? Nothing had ever happened between him and BJ, nothing was ever going to happen - not when Hawkeye never fooled around with married folks and not when BJ was too dedicated for it to have mattered in the first place, but that doesn't change the fact that Hawkeye still thought about it, but just because Peg features in them these days doesn't really make it any better), but if she can tell she never lets it get in the way. 

It's strange, to be a little bit in love with both sides of a couple (alright, a lot of bit in love), particularly when he knows that the chances of them ever working to include him are slim to none. But for all that Hawkeye slept around as much as he could, it's not quite a surprise to find that the idea of nothing ever happening doesn't bother him hardly at all. It's enough, to love them on his own, and know that they love him in their own ways in return. 

What more could he ask for? 

* * *

_God, I love them_ , BJ thinks, and knows it'll only be so long before he loses his mind, and really, who could blame him? 

He was already over the moon and on top of the world just to be home, to be around Peg and Erin again. To see them and spend time with them and make up for every moment lose and dreamed about since he'd left? It was already as good as it got. 

Then Hawkeye agrees to visit and it goes on to get better. 

He hadn't realized how good it would be to see him again, how good he would _look_ away from it all. BJ hadn't been wrong when he'd said that leaving everyone behind had done him more harm than good (Hawkeye had looked downright gray in that airport - worn and old in a way that had nothing to do with his hair color - and BJ had pulled him into a hug and nearly wept right there in public from the terror of what might have happened if they had waited just a few more months and the relief of knowing that it hadn't been too late), but he's not separate anymore, and BJ can tell that it's _good_. 

This is a Hawkeye who eats regularly, who can sleep without the interruption of shelling or wounded, who can breathe without army regulations tightening around his neck. 

If Hawkeye had been a light in Korea, he's downright blinding now (especially now, with the freedom to be something more heavenly than a lighthouse in a storm). 

It's good to see him, sprawled across the couch or tucked away on the porch. It's good to feel him - the heavy weight of him when he's unable to hold himself up under his laughter or the quick brush of their arms against each other as they walk through the halls. It's good to hear his voice, that awful braying laugh that shouldn't be nearly as endearing as it is. 

But that's just Hawkeye on his own. It's when Hawkeye _isn't_ on his own that BJ feels like he might just start to drown. 

Because what could be better than seeing him and Erin interact? BJ had been worried that she might pose an issue, and it's obvious that Hawkeye keeps his distance more days than not, but it is so much better than BJ had thought it could be. 

He settles into quiet routines, their wide eyes staring at each other with curiosity and recognition as they go throughout their days. He still won't get near her when she cries, but he has a sixth sense for when it's coming, and BJ is beside himself when he hears the odd clusters of noise and song Hawkeye forces out to distract her. Even just the casual interactions - Hawkeye pushing a toy back into place in her rows of them or Erin spitting his words back at him like a little tape recorder, the two of them kicking their feet as they sit at the table - are more incredible than BJ could have imagined. 

Peg is where the real challenge is. She and Hawkeye get along like a house on fire, whether that means having exuberant debates in the living room or collaborating on meals in the kitchen. They make each other laugh, and BJ loves to hear their voices mingle together, and those times when Hawkeye can't keep himself still for the amusement he'll wind up drifting towards her, and the sight of them holding each other up in mirth is almost more than BJ can bear. 

He knows that they need to play this slow, play it safe. If it's going to work out, it can only really work out one way, and rushing in is a fool's job at ruining their chances. The last thing BJ wants or needs is Hawkeye running off in an overwhelmed panic, so BJ will take it as slow as he can to make sure that they're all happy on the same page together. 

But sometimes he'll see them, getting to know each other and enjoying their company, and it's all he can do to keep himself from running forward to kiss them both. 

The way Peggy looks at him, he thinks she knows, might even be challenging him to make the first move - eyebrows raised like she knows exactly what she's doing. 

One of these days, BJ is going to finally lose it. He just hopes it's not all wishful thinking that they'll all be ready for it when it finally comes. 

* * *

_I love_ them, Peggy thinks, soft and real, but also maybe a little impatient. But just maybe, and only a little, dammit.

She'd known how she felt before BJ had even known when he'd be home, but part of her had wondered how it would hold up in the face of it all. Would all of her acceptance and curiosity die an angry death at the sight of BJ with someone else? Would jealousy wind up proving her a liar? Would she have misunderstood where she stood completely and finally wake up and see the look on BJ's face that showed the truth that there _was_ no room for her anymore? 

The answer is no, and Peggy is both relieved and delighted by it in equal measure. 

The thought of straying had almost never occurred to her - not in the grief and the fear of BJ being gone overseas and the constant demands associated with raising a baby on your own. But she'd pieced together BJ's inability to do anything by halves and his clear fascination with his new friend quickly, and decided that she could be okay with that only slightly slower. Her own curiosity in Hawkeye had developed over time, throughout BJ's stories and Hawkeye's own letters, but she'd also known that she had almost no interest in anything that wasn't BJ's, and she had wondered if that was just going to be that. 

But meeting Hawkeye had proven that it wasn't. 

Maybe it's because, at some point, he'd already become BJ's in his own way, maybe it's just him on his own. He's funny, and a little strange in all the good ways, easy on the eyes and equally easy to get along with. Peggy likes Hawkeye's company, there's no getting around that. 

What's really special, though, is seeing him with the others. In his quiet attention on Erin - even on the days he won't get too close - there to bring insight to Peggy or just watchful eyes to sate his own concerns, the slow crawl of that protection and love overtaking the anxiety of seeing her and the memories she triggers. In the easy banter between him and BJ, the quiet way he checks in on him in the halls after long days stuck at work. The way he laughs, twisting all his too-long limbs in a manner that should be just plain unusual and the rough honk in his throat, something so uniquely _him_ that Peggy can't help but stare and relish in the growing space in her heart where he resides, tucked neatly into the space right there alongside BJ. 

She wants to have them both. To see them finally express and _share_ those heartstruck looks they're always exchanging, like they can't quite believe the other is real. She wants to take care of him herself, to be another port in the storm there to make sure that he knows exactly where he stands and how loved he really is. She wants the two of them to be hers, and get all three of them settled in the knowledge that this is real and not going anywhere. 

Hawkeye might already know where he stands with BJ, and he might have a growing inkling of where he sits with her as well. She can't wait to be the one to prove that he's theirs, and to show him that they're already his as well. 

**Author's Note:**

> alright, so BJ is jealous and Peggy is possessive - Hawkeye 'abandonment issues' Pierce should fit right in
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


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